Cityisms™: July 2010

Friday, July 30, 2010

Cityism #62: We cross the street even when it says not to. Oh. That's called jaywalking?

Jamie's such a city girl.

Cityism #61: How it's really not as big as people think it is.

If you really wanted to you could walk from Midtown to the LES.

Cityism #60: People talking to themselves in streets.

I'm not talking about aspiring artists boomboxing and freestyling to themselves...

You know what's up.

Thoughts are broadcasted all over the place as you pass by people. Just keep your ears open.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Cityism #59: You pay for that Diet Coke and you get the straw included.

Let's face it. Do you really want to put your lips against that aluminum? Didn't think so. No, you do care.

That's why straws at the checkout sect of the deli and convenience store are there for you.

See....NYC cares about you. Now you can enjoy some Diet Coke or Exit or cocaine or whatever on the go.

Cityism #58: John Cameron Mitchell.

He's a Cityism because of how dynamite he is.

We love John Cameron Mitchell.

Cityism #57: Crack dens on Christopher St.

This was the first picture that popped up when I searched crack....

Cityism #56: I spent too much money on records yesterday.

Well, if they don't have that Barbara & Ernie vinyl, I can always just listen to the eight other records I purchased yesterday.

Cityism #55: I don't need internet at my place, even though that'd be nice. There are five internet cafes across the street.

I'm so alt.

Cityism #54: "Why did you just give those people wrong directions?" Because I can.

Cityism #53: "She doesn't REALLY know the party promoter but she wish she did..."

Party promoter friends/acquaintances/strangers.

Cityism #52: There are TOO many options on Craigslist for your area.

Well, usually.

Cityism #51: Life in the bike lane.

Let's just take our bikes to Summerstage. They'll have bike valet there.

Cityism #50: Turning off those annoying taxi commercials/replayed news/stupid Lion King ad immediately.

I've already heard the Eyewitness News and, quite frankly, that woman's voice is driving me crazy.

OFF.

Cityism #49: Finding that one spot on the curb. Parking. Lighting that blunt.

Just be careful of the cops and always say you'll leave and that you're sorry. Your friend was just taking too long.

And if not...what could be better than your home? ...where you're dealer can deliver it right at your door.

Cityism #48: People actually buy iPads to read.

On to the next prose...

Cityism #47: I would've been in James Franco's class but I switched to photography.

We've heard them.

The James Franco stories.

School. Party. Casual exchange. Late nights. Art shows.

#cityism

Cityism #46: No, no...But trust me...With this theater you won't be hearing the subway during the screening.

"Rachel, I don't want to go to the Angelika. Every single time I go I hear that fucking subway! Let's just go see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at Sunshine or a Clearview."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Cityism #45: Private schools dubbing each other, hating each other, and doing everything with or without each other.

"UGH! You go to DWIGHT?! (laughs) I die....Isn't it true? Dumb White Idiots Getting High Together!?"

"No...that's our joke."

Cityism #44: Real estate and the anticipated, "I'll take it!" With one exception....at that moment.

I was inspired by Gawker's #realestateporn to write this one...

Cheer up Lil J... One day you'll get this townhouse of yours. Just make sure Anna Wintour doesn't hiss at you for eating Jamaican food.

Cityism #44: Faux mitzvahs.

Why the fuck do they exist? You couldn't just throw a lavish party for your friends?

Cityism #43: There's still something magical about the Dakota.

I'm always happy to see the lit lanterns outside as I approach the Dakota entrance.

Cityism #41: Isn't it weird that there's a Studio 54 in Las Vegas? No, no....That Studio 54 doesn't exist anymore, duh.

Sure, the Las Vegas 'Studio 54' has its thing or whatever...but let's face it--youngsters and 70s-riddled fans still talk about the glamorous 'word on the street' happenings. I'm sure you have a coffee table book or some MySpace profile featuring pics of those days...or you just don't care because that's the past and this is the now.

Cityism #40: I've seen the poster ads for that movie but I've never actually seen the trailer or TV spots.

I STILL haven't seen the trailer for 'Dinner for Schmucks' but I do know that Paul Rudd stars in it...and he's hot. I pass by his face every morning on the way to get a bagel at Murray's.

Cityism #39: You're best bet for a selection of smoking outside and dining would be Little Italy. All you calabraise-a do the mambo!

A nice glass of wine, a cigarette, and a bit of pasta will do right here in Little Italy.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Cityism #38: Blogging about the city.

Cityism #37: There's the same homeless man outside your hood everyday.

I DON'T WANT TO POST ANOTHER HOMELESS PERSON PIC BECAUSE I ALREADY DID BELOW.

Cityism #36: Homeless people charging their cell phones or other electronic devices behind the ATM....There are electric outlets there.

We all know that the city's filled with those who are homeless but it sorta blew my mind when I saw a young homeless man with his cellphone charge his device via the electric socket behind an ATM. #cityism

Cityism #35: It's okay to hold hands and kiss. This city encourages gay pride.

One of the best things about New York City.....the gays. Here, the gays are tolerated just like they should be. Hold hands! Kiss! You can do it all...and the truth is--no one gives a fuck. Cheers NYC.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Cityism #34: Hotel parties.

It can range from classy to hidden to VIP to whatever. But the bottom line is::::it's self-explanatory.

Cityism #33: The French WILL admit they love NYC. See--the French aren't as snobbish as you make them out to be!

Too many Americans think that the French have some disgraceful approach or disapproving stigma associated with America...But the French do love NYC. They're all my friends. I know them. We drink wine and laugh together.

Cityism #32: Abbrev. (I can't even write the entire thing)

Social. Whatev. Totes. OMFG. You get it...OBVI.

CItyism #31: Don't worry. The cops aren't here to bother...Someone's just vandalizing the park. That's all.

It's not that someone's hurt right in front of your door...It's also not that this is the first time (because we all know it isn't). The cops just zip by on a nightly basis. Don't worry. Someone just tagged a wall nearby and, no, not on your overpriced WELCOME mat or whatever you have that's vintage.

Cityism #30: Bong sliders and pieces with the casual coffee and cigarette (only a convenience store near you).

A downtown advantage...Some of your convenience stores do carry pieces...you know...for tobacco and other legal substances.

Cityism #29: Dog bones are now replaced with dog antlers.

Meet Alfie. He hates bones but loves antlers.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Cityism #28: My health food store guy told me that there's no more Kombucha left...It's been selling out because of Lindsay Lohan.

Now...I have to wait until fucking Tuesday to get my Kombucha.

But it's okay...

I still love Lindsay.

Cityism #27: Oh, this? I bought it in Chinatown. Can you believe it?

Bong sliders. Cell phone covers. Replicates. Illegal DVDs. And the rest...

Cityism #26: The restaurant everyone was crazy about last month is no longer "hot".

That used to be the door my gaytourage walked through on Saturdays

....Not anymore. Things have changed.

Cityism #25: Always have cash ready.

It's a problem for all of us. When we want that Red Bull on the go with a side of cigarettes or a bagel (double toasted, of course) they say those words: "Cash only." Then--you're directed to an ATM where there's an additional 2-3 dollar fee for retrieving money.

...ATMs are bullshit. Ugh.